May ’02 – entry 2


It is 6am on Sunday morning, and I cannot sleep. I am sick as a dog with some stupid virus that decided to ruin my long weekend plans with its own agenda. Currently, I am sporting a fever of about 102F. I also have pretty bad joint and back pain and a dull headache. To complete this picture, I am sweating like some kind of farm animal. In short, I am a mess. So I decided to get on this machine and write another update for all of you out there in cyberland.

Much has changed since my last posting. Apparently, I have decided to manifest several unique situations in my life so that I will have opportunities to affirm who I am and what I choose out of life. First, the company that I work for finally took its last breath and for all practical purposes went out of business. I had been working there for just over two years. It was by far the best job that I have ever had: casual environment, big projects that look great on a resume, brilliant experts in the latest of technology. It was very sad to see the company finally go out of business, because they always took care of us employees first. What ended up killing the company was the fact that two of our clients (the only two we had at that given time) decided to play a little hard ball and not pay the company the money they owed them. Consequently, the company was unable to pay all of us, so all of the employees were laid off. I realize now that this was God merely answering a desire I had deep inside my soul to move on with my career. Often times we desire things from a very deep soul-level of comprehension, that we either deny or negate on the conscious level. I was doing this. On the surface I was saying, “No, I am happy at my job and I want to continue working there” but deep within my soul was saying, “I want the opportunity to grow in my career, get paid more of what I deserve, and possibly explore new design industries.” I recognize that this was a situation that I created in order to give myself the opportunity to grow. Otherwise, short of being fired or having the company go belly up, there was no way I was leaving my cushy desk job! So, I am out looking for a job again. As you all know, this is the most difficult job to ever have – looking for employment. It really is a full time job. And thanks to our crappy economy and our negligent administration, there are no jobs out there. If anyone is interested in hiring me for web design, contact me via email.

Consequently, because I have no job, and unemployment insurance will not pay enough for me to make rent and pay my car, I am losing my apartment. This is the WORST part of the whole thing. I absolutely love this apartment. It is two blocks from the beach, a cute Spanish style building built in the 30’s with barrel vaulted ceiling and nice built-in dressers and cabinets and the like, all for $800 a month. This is a great deal for Southern California, and anyone here will agree with that. Not to mention that it is my first apartment, which means it has certain sentimental value for me. So I have to move back in with my mom, who is also unemployed because of the crappy economy and negligent administration. Between the two of us, we should be able to make her mortgage and our bills. But I see this as another opportunity. I have been, once again at a soul-level of comprehension, been thinking about moving either up toward LA or to the Bay Area (San Francisco) -and this goes hand in hand with a change in career. If I get a job in the entertainment industry, like I have been pondering, then an apartment closer to my place of employment would be necessary. Fortunately, I had the foresight to rent a place that has a month to month lease. So I will be here till the end of June, and then my life will move on to another home. Sad, but in the end, part of the evolution of life.

On another note, some of you have emailed me asking what happened with the guy I met at the coffee shop. Well, that was another opportunity for me to re-create who I am and how I want to affirm my beingness in life. We went on a couple of dates, but he and I were not a good match. He was in a place in his life where he needed to focus on his problems and he also had difficulty with communication and listening. I took this as an opportunity to affirm who I am in a relationship and what I choose in my life, and I choose to not share my life with someone who has no regard for my perspective on things and cannot hold a normal conversation. So I ended it.

And finally, this morning, as I was trying to sleep through the really bad fever I have, I was thinking about my Godfather. In retrospective, I now realize fully how wrong he was for treating me and my godbrothers and godsisters the way he did. Thanks to this man, I have no savings to fall back on, and have excessive credit card debt hanging over me. Now, I never went into deep detail about what he did to provoke me to leave the religion like I did, nor do I feel that I need to go into that level of detail. To do so, would be to stoop to his level of treating people, and I choose to rise above that. But I will say that he crossed just about every line regarding inappropriate behavior of a godparent toward his godkids. If you are in the religion, then you have a glimmer of an idea of what this could entail, and if you are not, just imagine corruption in the Catholic church and you are almost on track. I regret having been involved with him in any aspect, and if anyone asks me about him, I will warn them about his unethical practices. To not do so would be irresponsible and not of my character.

On a positive note, I now have more time to write and record more of my thoughts on this website and in my personal journal. I will keep everyone posted as to my progress and if anyone has an job offers in the Southern California or Bay areas, please email me and let me know. Take care all of you, and embrace every aspect of your life as an opportunity to declare to the world what the greatest version of the grandest vision of yourself is.

Next Chapter>>> Predictability


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