Jun ’02 – entry 2

Unconditional Love

Can I just tell you that I am really enjoying being unemployed? I definitely know now that I created this on a subconscious, soul-level of understanding. I have been working without a real break since I was 14 years old and my soul finally said, “you need a break!” So I created this as part of my reality. And the universe is supporting me in this as well. I continue to receive freelance job offers here and there, enough to make a little spare change. It created some problems with my unemployment insurance, but now that the jobs I had are completed, I can once again open my case and begin to get money again. I have named this period of my life the “Glamorous Hollywood Lifestyle!” I say this jokingly, but it is a reference to what one of my friends said about my lifestyle at the moment. I get to sleep in late (which is something my body is deeply in need of) and then I get online and do some work, lay out on the beach for an hour, go out an have some lunch, go home, do some more work, go out for dinner and go to a club or bar at night with friends for a drink and do it all over again the next day! hahahah. I am kidding, actually, my life has been so busy since I got laid off that I just don’t have time for a job any more. 🙂 I have met many beautiful and special people in this period of my life and I am incredibly grateful for them. Each has helped me remember many things about life and about myself.

One of the primary things that I created in my reality in this month is the opportunity to experience and define myself through the catalyst of truly, unconditional love. I met someone who had a special something about him. I like to think of him as beautifully complex, in other words, his complexity and depth are the very things that I find beautiful about him. He is enchanting, handsome, intelligent, witty, passionate and everything I look for in a guy – and he was what I brought into my life so that I could truly experience what unconditional love was. See, unconditional love is just that – love without any conditional. Love truly needs nothing, no boundaries, no limits, no expectations, no conditionals, because love is freedom and the ultimate way to show someone that you love them is to give them all the freedom in the world that they might create themselves through their actions and choices – for we are all creators in the end. To limit someone would be to come from a center of fear for you are afraid that they will hurt you or do something that you don’t want. But love is complete, whole and lacks absolutely nothing therefore, it requires nothing from the other person. I came to feel what I consider is unconditional love for this guy. He had some issues from a former relationship that ended a few weeks prior to us meeting and he had the integrity and love in his heart enough to let me know that these feelings were arising from the former relationship and that he did not want them to taint what he was feeling for me. He said that he needed time to work through them and that the time had to be apart from me. I told him to take as much time as he needed because that was the truly loving and unconditional thing to do. I gave him the freedom to create himself as he felt necessary. We chatted here and there after that moment, but I had no expectations for him to return anything to me, for my love was freely given – there was no need for any exchange. Love is a gift, not a purchase. We did not end up being in a relationship, but I think I was reminded, at least in a glimpse, of the real, unconditional love that is our true nature. I am very grateful for having met him in my life and I hope that we may meet in the future, but there is no expectation of that on my part. Freedom is given without a leash.

On another point, I realized some things regarding this site. As I explained in the last posting, people are predictable and their reactions to the statements I make on this site are reflective of that nature. But I think there is one thing, one reason, why this site gets under people’s skin. See, the year in white originally was named for the fact that I was expected to wear white for an entire year. Since my decision to leave La Regla, I have not worn white, but the “year in white” continued. Many people mistake the title of this site for the process of wearing white, but the truth of the matter is that the “year in white” is a symbolic terms. The whiteness that an iyawó (new initiated in La Regla de Ocha) is supposed to don symbolizes the purity of their aura and the energetic cleansing that they have undergone as part of their initiation. The whiteness is purity and they are expected to embody that. See, the “year in white” is actually named after the purity and honesty of MY MESSAGE. Everything I post on here, I write with an open heart, in total honesty and in pure form. I do not censor my words, nor my message, nor my experience. My experiences are recorded here in pure form and with brutal, relentless honesty. That honesty was a decision I made back when I was 14. It was the only choice I ever had to make in my life; I chose to love myself and no longer hide. I came out. Since that time I have lived honestly and openly. And this site reflects that. I have not hidden the fact that I went through hardships in this process and I am proud of this work. In many ways I feel that this year has been the greatest art piece that I have ever made: the art of my life and the art of honest living. But as I said before, the truth is that truth is relentless. It brings forth people’s weaknesses. It exposes their vulnerabilities and it forces them to take a hard look at themselves by comparison or by involvement. What bothers people so much about this site is that I HAVE BEEN HONEST ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME AND THE DECISIONS I HAVE MADE. Unlike so many people involved in the ocha community, I will not hide in a sack of secrecy to cover someone else’s shortcomings and errors. My story is not unique nor is it rare. People get shafted in the Ocha community all the time and there are MANY things that need to improve and change in the manner that the religion is run. Many of today’s priests and priestesses are attempting to change the religion for the better, to fish out the crap and preserve the beauty of the religion. People like Calvin (Mr. Oshún) and Terri-Dawn embody for me what is the pure message of the religion, that is personal transformation, enlightenment and divine connection. And I support them and send them love for their efforts – never give up the fight Omo Oshúns! They are not afraid of the truth, that there are many arrogant and self-absorbed priests and priestesses out there who are abusing their authority and taking advantage of others. Instead of running from the truth or worse, point at it and claiming that it is blasphemous or insulting, they embrace the truth, and like all things, when you embrace it is when you can begin to heal it. That which you embrace, disappears and that which you repress or ignore, festers. If there is one thing I learned early in my life is that denying something never works. I have chosen to live in truth, have you?

Next Chapter>>> A White Wedding

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