Jan ’02 – entry 2

What in the hell is going on with me?


I mentioned before that this was a very emotional new year and birthday for me earlier, well it just keeps getting more and more interesting. I don’t know what exactly is happening, but I am incredibly emotional. I don’t exactly wear it on the surface, but the slightest little thing is getting me really close to tears at times, and really close to beating the hell out of people at other times. Now, I know that I am a mentally stable person, so this has to be something spiritual that is shifting in me. Let me give you some examples.

I am watching one of my favorite shows on t.v., ER. The doctors on the show are working like crazy to restart a teenager’s heart. At the end of the show, they suddenly get a heart beat and the doctors look at each other with hope – I start to get all watery-eyed. What the hell?

And another thing that I have noticed is that my desire to tell people to shove it up their ass has intensified greatly, yet in a different way. Where as I never really had a problem telling someone to go to hell, now I feel the desire to say it to anyone that bothers me, and feel totally justified that my action was the right thing to do! 🙂 For example, I have been working on a project at work for the last 9 months. It is a huge web site and I am really tired of looking at it. I just want to complete my portion of it and get it out of my sight. Yet the client keeps coming back with changes. Well today I had a headache (to be explored later in this edition of my rantings), and I received a new set of changes on already approved layouts in my e-mail from the client. I totally lost it. I wrote back to the client and line item by line item in red print I told him what we were and were not going to do of his changes. About 99% of it I said that we were not going to do because he already approved it and therefore there was no time to change it at this stage of the project. Basically I only accepted typo corrections. I then turned to my boss and firmly told him that I was tired of dealing with the asshole client (yes I used that word with my boss), and that they were totally disorganized, unprofessional, and a waste of our professional talents and time. And you know the best part? I felt totally comfortable telling them all to shove it up their collective asses.

My theory is that this is a result of my initiation. When I was rayado (scratched/initiated) in Palo, I felt a lot stronger and empowered to act toward my defense and to protect my integrity and validity. Now that I have both Siete Rayos and Shangó on my head, I think that this has intensified. Since my ocha, my compassion for people who are either foolish, devious, underhanded or weak is totally gone. However, in its place, my compassion for those who are unfortunate, poor, ill, destitute or old has magnified incredibly. I actually cried when watching Survivor this week on t.v. (yeah I am going to talk a lot about what I watch on t.v. because I don’t have anything else to do, so deal with it) when they sent Lex to work in the African hospital with children who had HIV and other diseases. Their tiny faces actually broke my heart and I felt the pain of a father who’s children were suffering in my heart. This had to be Shangó. There is no other way. I can be a softy and cry in movies and the like, but the specific feeling I felt was that of empathy for a compatriot. Not only that, but when Lex won the immunity challenge I wanted to reach through the t.v. and beat him with the remote control! He is a bastard – screw him too.

OK, so now about the headaches. This part of being an iyawó sucks. When the day starts to grow later, I begin to get headaches. They start from the center of my brain and radiate outwards, and the later it gets, the stronger it gets, until I get home and then it stops. Could I possibly be allergic to work, or maybe to the idiots I work with? I don’t think so. Honestly, the moment I get home it starts to go away and within ten minutes it is gone. Iyawós are supposed to be home at night. My padrino told me to be home by 6 pm, since I have to work, and also to even the situation out because during the winter it is dark by 4:30 and in the summer it is light out until 8. So these headaches are terrible and they also happen when I am at someone else’s house and it starts to get dark. NOW, if I am home and it starts to get dark – NO HEADACHE! Trippy huh?

On another note, I have heard that Shangó’s children have a notable head of hair, but this is ridiculous. My hair is getting to the point where the front of it is permanently sticking up, even when wet. This is because my head must be covered at all times – except when showering, and this includes when I sleep. The caps I wear are like baker’s poofy hats. I sewed them myself – they were a snap to make and if anyone wants to know how to make them just ask and I might put it up online for any future iyawós who want to make them, or initiates too for that matter – we wear them for just about anything. But the poofy caps are smashing my Greg Brady hair style. I normally have a buzz cut, so that should give you an idea. My elekes are actually plucking the hairs out of the back of my neck because they are SO LONG! EEEEWWWW!

On yet another note, a few folks have been asking me about the spirit in the toilet. I tell you he is my good friend and has helped me out with some amazing ideas. Folks have asked me what to do to propitiate him. It is really simple – just have a good diet. I know that is disgusting (you are thinking that you should have clicked on that link at the top of the page huh? hehehe,) but honestly, that is what he eats and he rewards you with good ideas and inspirations when you are in the bathroom. I guess you could offer him a candle for light, but the basics work best in my opinion. Sick, yeah, but I am direct.

But honestly, my itá said that I have to become an Obbá and do many great things in this religion and now more than ever I really feel the desire to learn and dedicate time to moving forward. I know that I have more ceremonies to go through before I can be fully able to learn, but I am just so frustrated with mundane work that my heart isn’t in it. And I have to tell you, we children of Shangó are desire driven. If there is no desire, then you might as well just click on that link at the top of the page of life, because it just isn’t worth the effort.

Next Chapter >>> Being Lifted



  1. Wow, I thought I was the only one. I do my best praying on the toilet, I used used think that was strange.

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