Dec ’01

Iyawós and Weather Don’t Mix

Being dressed in white really is scandalous if you think about it from the point of view of a person who doesn’t know anything about the religion. I mean, shoot, even “Serial Mom” bludgeoned a woman to death with a pay phone because she was wearing white shoes past Labor Day. I can’t help but remember that every time I put on my white dress shoes. So here I am in December in California, which is ordinarily the time when it starts to cool down. Well Mother Nature did not contact the Iyawó Consulate this year and decided to just do whatever the hell She wanted to and brough rain early to this area.

The other day, I go out to my car in the pouring rain with my “out-of-the-closet” white Iyawó umbrella with a curved handle (available at The Pimp’s Warehouse) in the pouring, unseasonable rain. Now remember that Iyawós are not supposed to get wet with rain water. I get to my car that is half a block away (not bad for my neighborhood – parking here is hell) and I discover that my left rear tire is flat. Fabulous! Now fortunately it is not blown out, just like the air leaked out slowly. So I get into my car and try to put my pimp-brella in the passenger seat only to discover that this “satellite dish” almost doesn’t fit in my passenger car. In the process it dumped all of the rain it failed to repel onto my seat. So I had a wet ass, but this is just the beginning of the story.

I manage to drive my car to the nearest service station and I get change to pump air in my tire. Since when did air cost 25¢? Anyways, so I try to screw the little caps off of the tire air thingies, while holding the pimp-brella in the pouring, uninvited rain. This was not ordinary rain. I believe this was Russian-engineered, bioterrorist rain. You know, the kind that attacks sideways, so no matter what you do it gets you wet. My “white spacelab” almost flew out of my hand as I pumped air into my poor tire. I managed to get it back to normal, and I only walked away with a semi-moistened rump. So I decide to check the others, since I have already gotten wet, and why the hell not? I thought to myself “well I am already late for work, so what the hell.” I go to the other side of the car, and this time I am facing into the Soviet precipitation, and there is no physical way I can fit the “paraglider” between me and the car. So this time I was getting my face wet….well at least my head was still dry and that is the most important part. Except I didn’t realize till I went to sit in my car after all of this, that the sleeves and front of the new sweatshirt my mom bought be had become covered in some black goo from the air hose. AAAAAAAAAA!

So I dragged my starched white parachute into the car again dumping a Sparklet’s bottle worth of water into my “quite literal bucket seats” and get back into my car to go back to my place and change. That is the other thing, Iyawós must remain impeccably white, so if they get stained they need to change immediately. I changed and got to work an hour and a half late. When I opened up my umbrella to set it out to dry, my coworkers’ heads whipped around at the sheer magnitude of this ungodly umbrella. As it dried, I could actually hear the fabric contracting.

When I went to go pickup lunch, I managed to fit myself and my god brother under the pimp-brella, with two bags of food and there was still about two feet between us. We both remained dry because by now, the rain had returned to its normal, sky-to-earth downward motion.

Then, this weekend, I had to go on the “tour of the southland” with my godniece to collect various things from various areas for a ceremony she was going to go through. I happened to know where she could pick up a slew of the things in one trip, but I couldn’t really describe it all because the directions were visual. So we head out in her car and one of the places we have to stop is at the river. Well, the river spot I love to go to is in the mountains, and it is a beautiful waterfall. Well, once we arrived, we found that there was snow on the ground from the same storm that caused me problems mentioned above. I had no problem with this, other than the fact that if I fell down I would become visually imperceptable and they would have to send for dogs to find me. So I start to head down to the river bed, which had snow and rocks along the way, and I soon discovered that my pimp-dress shoes had no traction because they were leather. I managed to avoid a nasty fall, but I soon discovered that leather soled dress shoes have absolutely NO THERMAL PROPERTIES! My feet were very cold, and I could have sworn that the moisture leaked through the soles into my socks. I cannot fathom what a poor Iyawó in New York must go through in the winter. Calvin you have my renewed respect for doing your iyaworaje in NYC! We got the items we needed and began our descent down the mountain.

On this trip, I believe that we actually found the very source of plastic baseball caps, beer cozies, and other things redneck. I knew that we were not in a civilized town when I saw a truck with a flat bed and no walls, drive by with 7 children piled in the front, wood piled in the back and a dog standing on the back of the truck, TOTALLY FREE AND NOT TIED DOWN, trying to balance himself to save his life. This, along with the house constructed completely out of rocks, and the “Best Beef Jerky” stand signaled that we had reached the town of Meltone. Most people drive through Meltone, but my godniece decided that we should stop to get avocados – because they were 5 for a buck. I actually got out of the car at one point and I think the locals didn’t even know what to make of me. One actually said that I was brave for dressing all in white like that. Maybe she’s a relative of Serial Mom?

Next Chapter>>> Them dingos took my baby!


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